


Desolation of Dreams

by 0519713



Series: Disillusionment [2]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Dark Imagery, Dark Thoughts, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts, Xeno-Sexuality, xenosex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 11:39:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5706295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0519713/pseuds/0519713
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ironhide cannot stop having nightmares over what happened between him and Mikaela.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct sequel to Forceful Pleasure. It is something I have been working on for a while now and is not even remotely close to complete, but I thought I would post a few chapters and see if there is any interest.
> 
> Comm speak []
> 
>  
> 
> Please be advised I do not currently have a beta reader so there are probably mistakes.

Ironhide woke suddenly to the sensation and sound of his cannons powering on, triggered subconsciously by the nightmare he had been having. He remembered a time when he was younger and the nightmares came often. As he grew older he became less susceptible to them, and eventually they faded. It had been quite a long time since the soldier had reason to fear his recharge. Normally memory purges were neither pleasant, nor unpleasant. Cybertronians did not dream the same way that humans did, but the term nightmare was appropriate for the purges he had been having recently. Ironhide was uncertain if the others had bad recharges like this since coming to earth. Normally their recharge memory purges were just that, pieces of their own memories and experiences. Unlike humans that dreamed of all kinds of impossible things that never occurred, and yet here he was sitting up in his bunk and trying to calm himself from memories that were not accurate. What happened in his processor during recharge was nothing like what had actually happened. Each time it was worse, darker, more twisted than the reality had been. The mech tried to rationalize that it was his own guilt, or perception of guilt, that caused the memories to warp. 

Sitting there inventing and exventing slowly to try and calm himself, Ironhide had to admit that maybe he had a problem. It was only getting worse. What had started out as a random bad purge after an unfortunate incident had become a near nightly thing after only a few months. Though he felt more guilt than logically he should, he still wasn’t sure why it kept getting worse. In fact it had gotten so bad that he had found numerous reasons to avoid recharge all together until Ratchet had to force it on him with threats of informing Prime. It was usually enough for Ironhide to at least try to get recharge. The last thing he wanted was to burden their Prime any more than he already had with this whole mess. If he had only known what would have occurred, he would have taken the suggested backup instead of insisting he could do it more easily on his own. 

Though if he was honest, Ironhide was hiding his recharge issues for other reasons. Mikaela was the real victim, and she deserved all the healing attention. The only thing he deserved was to suffer, and he was suffering though he wasn’t really sure he was suffering enough. Nothing could make up for what had happened, forced or not. Yes Soundwave had hacked him, and yes Soundwave had controlled his body and forced him to violate an ally. However, Soundwave had not forced him to enjoy it. That was all on himself, and it was the least of the damage he had done to the once bright human he had called friend. 

While the gunner had never been really close with Mikaela she was still their ally and had been their friend at one point. She was nothing less than a sister in battle. Instead of running in fear and cowering the way most of her kind did, she had fought beside them, thrown herself into danger, driven into the fray, and protected his family. Her reward for her sacrifice had been abandonment. Sure no one else saw it that way, but Ironhide knew the truth. They had all been blinded by their closeness to Sam and their misunderstanding of human culture. Though really they could have done more to understand it, it was just easier to push her away.  
No one else knew the extent of the damage that decision had made. They all thought the human female's current behavior was tied entirely to what had happened with him and Soundwave. Part of him wanted to scream at them, tell them the truth, let them hold some of the guilt and blame. Yet he stopped himself. It was her choice, she would talk when she was ready and he would be the last one to force that on her. Ironhide knew he had already done enough damage, the last thing he needed was to do more by forcing her to talk before she was ready. So, he avoided her. He took every mission away that he could and when he was on base he hid. Though he would not admit out loud that hiding was what he was doing. 

No Ironhide would never admit to avoiding his teammates, his friends, or anyone really. His excuse was that he wasn’t safe. Soundwave had hacked him and Ratchet had yet to clear him. It was still too soon to know if he was really clean from the hack, and for the first time he was happy for it. Ironhide did not want to connect to anyone, did not want them to see the turmoil inside of him. They needed to see him as the gruff soldier, the one that never wavered and was never shaken. It was the only way they would survive. He could not afford to be weak when he was seen as their strength.

Sitting on the edge of his berth Ironhide calmed himself. Pulling that cloak of gruff indifference around his spark. Pushing his EMF down until it was pulled tight against his frame. Only allowing the emotions he wanted to show to be felt in his field. This was how he had to function, it was the only way he could make it through the next few days before he was forced into recharge again. Maybe this time it would not be so bad, maybe he wouldn’t see her. It was a big base, so there was a chance he could avoid her entirely this time. It made him feel lighter, knowing that if he tried hard enough he could keep from causing Mikaela any more pain. 

With his usual cocky smirk Ironhide sauntered out of his quarters. Outwardly he appeared no different. There was no clue, no hint as to what was going on inside of him. He was a soldier, the head weapons specialist, and a gun nut. Ironhide could not afford for anyone to see how broken he was inside. This wasn’t the first time he had to play this part, and it wouldn’t be the last. He had been broken before, and he always healed in time. The trick was in making sure that no one else caught on, and he would be damned if he lost it now. After several millennia of practice he had this kind of subterfuge down to an art. 

Though it made him pause and wonder if any of his teammates did the same. How many of them were so broken inside that the only way they could function was to make sure everyone else thought they were ok. It was a dark thought, and one Ironhide would have to explore at a later time. For now he had to do his best to avoid the one person on the base he wanted to be close to. Unfortunately she also happened to be the one person he could never be close to again.


	2. Chapter 2

Mikaela sat at the table in the mess hall staring at her food. She had a human sized data pad next to her and it appeared to others as if she were caught up reading something. In reality she was just avoiding having to talk to anyone. The last thing Mik wanted was to have to fake being ok for what felt like the thousandth time since she showed up at the base bruised and shaking. Only Ratchet had been made privy to the full truth, the others just assumed that Ironhide had been almost too late in retrieving her and that she had been attacked by Decepticons. It was easier to let everyone think that since the truth was far more complicated. Though in a way it was true. It was technically the fault of a Decepticon that she was in the condition she had been in upon arrival. Soundwave had used Ironhide's body to rape her, instead of doing it himself. She imagined this was because he was looking to hurt the Autobots more than her. She was just a human and did not really matter in the grand scheme of things, but if an Autobot was accused of rape well that would create chaos. 

It wasn’t as if the Autobots did not have the upper hand in this war, but it was still hard for them with all the losses they had suffered. Morale was still not as high as it could be, and Ironhide was a respected mech among them. They could not afford for one of their most loyal soldiers to the cause to be branded a rapist, especially since it was not really his fault. While Mikaela did not understand all the intricacies of the situation she did understand that, like a computer, Ironhide had been hacked. He was not in control of his processor and therefore could not control what was happening. At least, as it was explained, he could not without killing her. Instead he chose to do what he could to fight off the attack and keep her alive. Though she was confused as to why he would even bother, but she just assumed he did not want to have her squished body inside of him. It probably would have made a horrible mess that would have been almost impossible to clean out properly. 

Though Ironhide had tried to explain things, he had gone just as silent as she had once the questions began getting too personal. Ratchet respected their privacy, but insisted that both of them needed to talk about the situation. Mikaela wasn’t sure that Ratchet really cared and was just going through the motions as was expected of him. The base had offered up their own counselor who specialized in assisting those with post traumatic stress disorder, but she had refused. There was no way to explain that the rape wasn’t the worst part. How could she explain that she had spent two years in a depression so deep that she wasn’t even aware two years had past. How could she explain to someone the loneliness she felt, the abandonment that crushed her almost completely. If anything, the rape had probably saved her life. 

Mikaela knew she had been killing herself slowly, but when Ratchet reported on her full condition the results were shocking. She was malnourished to the point where her organs were on the verge of shutting down. She was on a strict diet and for the first several weeks all of her meals were monitored to ensure she was eating them. The bruises caused by Ironhide covered up some of the damage she had done to herself, though she could not remember harming herself. It did not mean she didn’t do it, it just meant it wasn’t a priority and she didn’t remember it.

Though the damage from the rape was significant as well. Aside from the usual bruises and vaginal tearing, she had minute fractures from the pressure of being bound. Thankfully she did not need a cast as Ratchet had just injected her with something and said she would heal faster that way. She almost laughed as he went on a tirade about the butchers humans tried to pass off as doctors. Two years ago she would have laughed, but in the exam room she was withdrawn. Why laugh, he wasn’t being funny for her benefit. She was certain Ratchet did not want her there any more than the others had. In fact, she was pretty sure that it was just some bureaucrat or military person that insisted on her being saved, just so she could not be used against them in some way. 

It was of course their own fault for not realizing the Autobots did not care what happened to her anymore. They were just following orders, and as soon as those ordered were fulfilled they would just abandon her again. Though this time she hoped that the Decepticons just killed her and got it over with, frankly she was quite tired of the emotional rollercoaster she had been on for the last few weeks and was just done with it all.

Still, while faking reading worked most of the time, she needed to eat before someone would come check on her to make sure she was doing as she was told. It didn’t matter what they put in front of her. It all tasted the same. She was still having to eat several times a day to bring her body back to where it had been before. She had protein shakes poured down her throat, along with some nutrient enhanced paste that was sort of like oatmeal but somehow more bland. She assumed it was awful, she didn’t really bother to linger long enough to taste it. Eating was just something she did now because she had to, not because she wanted to. 

With a bored expression Mikaela spooned the nutrient rich tasteless glop into her mouth as if she had been intending to all along and had not just forced herself to do so. She had gotten so good at pretending to be fine, not good enough to trick herself, but good enough to fool everyone else. At least she hoped they were fooled. 

Soon enough she finished off her food and grabbed her datapad. She put her bowl with the rest of the trays and dishes from breakfast and wandered out of the mess hall trying to look as if she had somewhere she was supposed to be. She had learned early on that if she walked with a purpose no one would bother her. So she practiced every chance she got. It was great to see it paying off finally. She managed to make it from the mess hall to one of the hangers no one really used, without being bothered once. She was glad she had found this place. It seemed to be mostly for storage, but no one ever seemed to come here.   
Everything had a fine layer of dust on it and she was pretty sure that this was just where they shoved things no one needed anymore or just no longer cared about. It was the perfect place for her. Mikaela could come here and find peace for a change. She had been coming so often that she had a favorite corner she was holed up in. Sitting down on the pile of blankets and pillows she had pilfered and hidden here she let out a sigh. Getting comfortable Mik grabbed her nearby notebook and began to write. It was mostly filled with nonsense, a few casual observations, but mostly with things she was too afraid to say out loud. 

This was her therapy for now, this was how she was dealing with everything she had been through. The rape she could have survived without much issue, knowing with the help of friends and family that cared she would get over it. But no, she was forced to live in a place where she wasn’t wanted. Surrounded by those that looked upon her with contempt. Mikaela could not fathom why they wanted to save her, if they hated her so much. They had abandoned her, and now they were forcing her to endure their dismissiveness in person. Nothing was more painful, than being surrounded by those that didn’t want to see you because they wished you weren’t there. 

The book fell out of her hands as Mik began to sob. Curling up on her side and hugging one of the pillows to her chest and stomach, she just cried. It didn’t matter if anyone heard her, they wouldn’t care enough to investigate. She was safe to let it out here, where her tears didn’t matter. She had made the mistake of letting a few slip in the view of the bots. It was clear how uncomfortable they were with her pain, it was clear they wanted her to just go away. So she did, as best she could at least. Mikaela only hoped that eventually Ratchet would give the all clear and just let her go. Then she could go back to her life. The depression was easier to deal with than this. At least back home she had her dreams. Now that she was back among them, all she had were nightmares and their constant contempt for her existence. 

“Why didn’t they just let me die..” Mikaela whispered to herself between sobs. “Why can’t I just die…”


	3. Chapter 3

Life on the base was always complex. Something was always happening, and they were always on the edge of emergency. Missions were completed with quick efficiency, but that did not mean there were never any wounded. The ebb and flow of activity in the medbay would seem chaotic to anyone but its supreme ruler. For he commanded the medbay with a firm hand and an unwavering presence. Those that entered bowed to the will and medical graces of the last known remaining Autobot medic. A mech whose reputation preceded him on just about every planet. Even the Decepticons avoided tangling with the Autobot Chief Medical Officer, though there was a ‘capture not kill’ bounty out on him. No one wanted to get close enough to the Doctor of Doom himself to even attempt to bring him in on that bounty. No, the medic was one to be feared by all in or out of his sacred domain.

~~~~***~~~~***~~~~

Ratchet puttered around medbay cleaning and organizing his tools. For the most part the medbay was spotless, but to him he could see all the work left to do. If his tools were sorted before he needed them it could save him precious time later. The typically grouchy mech was humming a bit as he worked trying to keep his mind off of the slowly deteriorating situation that was happening all around them. Ratchet had known Ironhide a long time, even before the war they had been acquaintances. He knew the difference between Ironhide actually being ok, and Ironhide only putting on the front that he was ok. 

After the situation with Mikaela the medic had noticed his friend become unusually withdrawn. It was not something just anyone would be able to pick up on. Ironhide had become a master of hiding his emotions, and really it wasn’t his emotions that gave him away. It was his behavior, mostly the not sleeping and being forced to recharge. Or the way he avoided a certain human, or really all humans lately. Ratchet knew that Prime had picked up on something being wrong, but had yet to mention anything. So the medic kept his silence. Technically he was bound by medic-patient confidentiality. That being said, he was still worried and not just about Ironhide.

Mikaela was a problem too. She was far too withdrawn, even for someone that had been through such trauma. She refused to seek help from a human psychologist, and while Ratchet could heal many types of wounds, he was not as well versed on that side of healing. Still even with his limited abilities he had offered to help, thinking that maybe the situation was just too strange for her to speak to another human about, yet she refused. it wasn’t just the incident with Ironhide that worried him though, there were wounds too old to have been caused by the rape, and there was the subject of her severe malnourishment to contend with as well. All of that combined with the worried comm that Ironhide had sent out before the incident even occurred had Ratchet worrying that they had been far too late to help the little human. 

Ratchet had spoken out two years ago, had been against sending her away when her relationship with Sam had dissolved. Yes it was part of human culture that when a pair split up that distance was needed to allow both individuals to heal, but they could have created artificial distance here for them. There was nothing in their protocol that forced them to send her away. It was only on the word of Bumblebee and Prime backing him up that the decision had been made in the first place. The young scout had the most experience with humans and knew that with such a young pair, being forced into close quarters could cause them to act out, possibly even harm themselves. 

The situation was not ideal, but it was agreed upon that Mikeala would be sent away as she was less of a target. Ratchet argued on her behalf to allow her to stay, to train under him. He saw potential in her as an assistant. She could never be a medic, but she was clever and mechanically inclined. She was also capable of reaching places he couldn’t and that had to be an asset. There was also the truth that she was truly one of them. The young human had fought beside them and despite the fact that he wanted to disassemble them both, she drove Bee back into the fray and helped save countless lives. Sure it had made Bee’s injuries more difficult to repair, but it showed who she was on the inside.

This was not an ally you pushed aside, but he also saw the wisdom of Bumblebees words. They simply did not know enough about human customs and they had to do what was best for Sam. So against his better judgement he did not speak up again against sending her away. Of course, only Prime had known of his misgivings, he had never wanted to bring it up in front of the group. It wasn’t that he was afraid, he just wasn’t sure that he was basing his opinion on anything other than his own desires to keep the young female around. 

After seeing the condition she was in, Ratchet wished he had spoken up a little louder. Yes they had monitored her area, but they had not really checked on the female much. He was certain that if she had been captured they would have known, but if cons had been stalking her house, causing her to fear leaving it, she was still a prisoner. Just it was only in her own domicile. Had the cons stalked her, trying to starve her slowly. Maybe they thought it would draw the bots out. The problem was when they observed her dwelling, it was never close enough to get a solid scan. They only knew she was there and still alive.

Ratchet shook his head, his false good mood gone as he worried for their tiny female companion. He blamed himself. If he had only tried harder, visited more often, truly checked on her. They would have known she was in trouble. Still the medic knew he could not dwell on the past, down that path was madness for his kind. There was too much pain in looking back, they could only move forward. Yet he was still worried with how withdrawn she was. Any attempts to engage her had been rebuffed, almost coldly. If he didn’t know better he would think she was angry at him, but her chemical reaction to his presence did not indicate anger, neither did her heart rate nor pulse. For once he wasn’t certain what the little human was feeling as her biology appeared to give nothing away.

Shaking himself out of those thoughts Ratchet put away his last tool and surveyed his domain. It was clean, pristine really, and organized. It would be safe to leave it for now. He needed to refuel anyway, and was hoping to corner Ironhide for a few minutes. The gunner hadn’t broken yet, but Ratchet was positive he was wearing his friend down. Soon he would be able to get more out of his friend about what happened and what was wrong with Mikaela before the rape. It made no sense why Ironhide was being so stubborn on this, but then often times a lot of what Ironhide did made no sense.


	4. Chapter 4

Ironhide had been crossing to the firing range when he saw Mikaela walk to an unused bunker. This was unusual behavior, even for her. No one ever went in there, it was mostly storage but it was never cleaned and probably not safe. Against his better judgement he waited a few minutes then followed to see what she was doing. As long as she did not see him herself, he was not really doing her any further harm. She never had to even know he was there. If anything was up, he could comm someone else to come help her. 

Slipping up to the side of the bunker he heard shuffling and followed the sound to a far corner. He stood their, tuning his audials to pick up any sound. Ironhide thought he heard the sound of something scraping or scratching, which could have been her writing possibly. It did not explain why she was hiding in this bunker though. There were long moments of silence, and more of the scratching until he heard the sound of something dropping, then choked sobs which only grew louder. 

The mech stood there paralyzed as he listened to Mikaela soby and cry. The sound was muffled at some point but he could still hear her. It broke his spark to listen to her cry that way, it was spark wrenching the sounds that she made. The desperate loneliness he could hear, or maybe it was just himself. Then he heard her speak and he wanted to rip the wall apart to get to her, comfort her, beg her not to think that way. Ironhide could not fathom why she would want to die, not fight for her survival. She was a fighter when they met, what had happened to change her so much.

Though really Ironhide already knew the answers to all of those questions. They had happened, most specifically himself. He wondered if Ratchet knew her condition, or if there was simply nothing they could do for her. The gunner was not much for fretting, but in this moment he was torn. Part of him wanted to give this human the privacy she deserved, but part of him was concerned, no afraid really if he were to be completely honest with himself.

With a heavy spark Ironhide commed Ratchet, knowing that the fallout would drive an even bigger wedge between him and the girl. 

[hey.. uh.. Ratchet]

[Ironhide. How many times do I need to explain what ‘emergency’ medical comm actually means]

[I know I know, I just… you need to come to my signal.. its Mik…]

There was static on the line and Ironhide thought Ratchet had just disconnected the comms until he heard the blare of sirens wailing as the medic drove at top speed to his location. He had been hoping to just get the mechs opinion on what to do, now there was no way to hide that he had been here unless he left the scene quickly. Of course Ratchet already knew he was there and fleeing would just make him seem guilty which did not sit right with him. He only wished that Ratchet had not used the sirens. 

Once the medic arrived on the scene Ironhide could see his confusion. Ratchet had already started talking before the gunner could even explain.

“I thought you said there was an emergency!” Ratchet snapped

Ironhide sighed. “If you had let me finish instead of blasting over here like your aft was on fire, and just given me the chance to explain..” He could hear the human shuffling around on the other side of the wall. There was no way she didn’t know they were there now.

[She is in there, and I think I just over reacted but she said something about wanting to die and I wasn’t sure what to do]

Ironhide replied over comms and waited. The stricken look on the medic's face spoke volumes. Suicide was not common among their kind and it was an affront to everything the medic stood for. The fact that someone under his care wanted to die, obviously cut very deeply. The gunner couldn’t stand it any more. Between the broken sobs of the human female and the pain etched in his friends optics, he just couldn’t handle anymore. Ironhide transformed and quickly drove off, skipping the firing range and trying to find somewhere isolated where maybe he wouldn’t be found for a while. He needed to be alone, to think, to do anything but listen to the conversation he knew was going to occur once Ratchet retrieved Mikaela.


	5. Chapter 5

The medic watched his friend tear off confused and worried. Still Ironhide was strong and could wait, this human was fragile and needed his help much more at the moment. Slowly Ratchet made his way into the storage unit and followed his scanners to where he thought Mikaela would be. It was slow going as it was hard to get his form between some of the stacks of crates and boxes, but he managed. Finally he made it to a corner that was somewhat cleared out. He saw the pile of bedding on the floor and the small figure huddled in the middle of it. His scanners picked up that she was clearly distressed. Her heart rate was too high, her pulse too rapid, and the saline he detected in the air meant she had been crying.

Slowly, carefully, Ratchet knelt down reaching towards the tiny human. “It’s ok Mikaela, I am just here to help you.” He spoke in a calm even tone, hoping it would keep her from fighting him too much. Thankfully when he finally reached her, she did not fight or bolt. It seemed she was complacent to being picked up, or at least tolerated it for now. It took more time than he would have liked, but the medic finally extricated the human from her pile of bedding and managed to weave his way back out of the storage bunker. 

It was slow going as he tried not to look like he was in a rush as he carried the human back to the medbay. The last thing he needed was for someone to become overly curious and make a scene of some sort. So it was only once he made it inside the medbay that Ratchet finally exvented the air he had not realized he had been holding onto. “Don’t worry Mik, we will get this sorted out.” He said calmly, conversationally, hoping to engage the human. 

Mikaela was unresponsive in the medic's hands, she just sat there and Ratchet became more worried at her behavior. She had been acting odd since she showed back up on base, and while he had not expected any level of dramatic improvement he had expected at least some improvement. It looked more as if she was just getting worse and falling within herself. Ratchet could see that she was in a downward spiral, it was something he had seen in patients during the early years of the war. Mostly those that had lost everything, they simply stopped wanting to exist. Now this human was exhibiting the same types of behaviors and he was uncertain that there was anything he could do to assist her. Humans were not like his kind, they were not subject to logic and their minds were far more chaotic than the processors and sparks of his own kind. Yes there was abject chaos among his kind, but it wasn’t a trait exhibited by every cybertronian. Whereas all humans were chaotic in nature. 

As such, treating injuries of the mind came difficult for him. Still it was that bright chaotic nature that had drawn his kind more closely to the humans. While Bumblebee was the most open about it, all of them had a soft spot in their sparks for humans, even the mechs that seemed to dislike them. Mostly it was just an act to keep up appearances, but the simple bright, chaotic, inventive, curious, and brilliant nature of the humans was part of why their Prime had decided to stay. Why they all protected this race even though it was not really their responsibility. There was also the dangers that humans represented, but now was not the time to dwell on those thoughts. Currently Ratchet had a patient he was desperate to save, and he felt like he was losing her. 

Ratchet tried communicating with the human again, stroking her back with a finger in a circular motion trying to soothe and calm her the way a human might try to calm a frightened animal. “Please Mikaela, let me help you.” Ratchet pleaded with the girl, hoping that his calm tone would not risk raising her ire. He could sense her pulse increasing and her breathing became more shallow. It was different from before, these were symptoms of building anger. While the anger that was finally unleashed at him was not surprising, the venom with which Mikaela spoke was.

“Why don’t you just leave me to die already.” She snapped “You put in your effort, made it look good. No one would blame you or accuse you of shirking your duties. So just fuck off and let me die already!” She yelled and pushed his finger away getting ready to just jump out of his hand, not caring how far the fall to the floor would be. “It’s not like you actually care. There is no one here to impress, so just stop faking and leave me alone!”

Her breathing was coming faster and her chest felt tight. The world seemed to spin for a moment as her vision began to darken around the edges. Without a thought she pushed forward trying to throw herself out of Ratchets grasp just wanting to be away from him, from all of them. Her arm hurt too as she felt herself fall but not fall and it was confusing. Every breath she took hurt and her chest was burning and constricted somehow. Thankfully the darkness took over quickly and she didn’t have to feel anything anymore. With a smile on her face Mikaela felt herself fade away.


	6. Chapter 6

Ratchet watched in horror as she yelled and tried to lunge off of his hand. Her words made no sense and he tried to piece it all together but his processor could not catch up quickly enough. He didn’t understand what caused her body to suddenly shut down. Everything he was sensing indicated that the female was dying, a heart attack if his research on the internet was accurate, but he could not figure out the cause. He wondered if humans could wish themselves dead but found that to be a ridiculous thought. 

The medic was not going to give up on the girl. Humans could survive through heart trouble, and this one seemed minor, possibly just a panic attack as her heart never actually stopped beating. However she was unconscious and thankfully so as he had to reach out swiftly to catch her when she fell, her body hitting his hand harder than he would have liked. There would be bruises, but she would live. Yes it had been a panic attack, though quite a severe one. His scans revealed no damage to her heart and now that she was unconscious her breathing was regulating itself and her pulse, slowly but surely, was returning to normal.

Carefully the medic moved over to the counter and pulled out a fresh clean cleansing cloth, making a small pallet and laying his patient on it. He continued to scan her over and over, searching for anything that could have caused the malfunction in her system. He knew humans could become upset, have anxiety related attacks. He was uncertain how often they mimicked a heart attack though and it worried him that next time it could easily be fatal.

Rachet continued to scan the human, looking for any signs of damage or anything physical that could have lead to the attack. As the medic suspected, he had found nothing. That only left a mental reason and it forced him to think over her words. Accusing him of not caring, of only pretending to help her. He wasn’t certain where that would even have come from. He had put just as much effort into healing her as he had anyone else, maybe even more because of her condition and his own guilt. There was nothing for it, he would have to try and drag the information out of Ironhide.

[Ironhide come in. We need to discuss Mikaela]

Ratchet sent the message directly to the gunners private comm. It was odd that while the message appeared to have gone through there was no response, not even a ping of acknowledgement. This began to worry the medic. Either something was wrong with Ironhide, or the mech had deliberately turned off his comms. Now he was torn, did he leave his patient here and try to find the gunner, or did he send someone else and waste time if Ironhide really were injured. That last thought made the decision for him. He pinged any available Autobot to come to the medbay and waited. He did place it at a high priority so he hoped it would be answered soon.

Of course Ratchet wasn’t expecting the individual to answer the summons to be their Prime. “Optimus, I … I just need someone to watch over Mikaela while I go check on Ironhide. He isn’t responding to comms.” Ratchet stated simply. 

Optimus merely held up a hand. “Go, I will watch over the human while you tend to our comrade. Comm me immediately if you need back up.” Ratchet nodded and rushed out of the medbay, transforming and sirens blaring yet again as he tore across the base as if there were a fire. 

It took the medic longer to locate Ironhide than he had liked, and when he found him Ratchet was fuming. Ironhide was just parked in his alt form and sitting silently. “You fragger! I thought you were injured or dead. When I comm you dammit you had better answer!” Ratchet yelled as he stalked over to the truck in his mech form and snarled at the silent mech. Already he was running scans, not just because Ironhide was being suspiciously quiet, but because that was just what Ratchet did. He continued to frown when he received no response to his yelling. “So you are just going to sit there and sulk now?” He asked as he crossed his arms and tapped a pede. 

Ratchet was beginning to lose his patience with his friend. He did not like being ignored. Not to mention being dragged away from a legitimate emergency to deal with a mech that had decided to just act like a petulant sparkling. “Close to base or not, you cannot ignore a comm!” He snapped. “What is your problem just say something!” Ratchet snarled. “You know you pulled me away from a very important emergency. Mikaela really needs help and I am wasting my time here with you!”

That finally got a reaction as the truck rolled back just a bit. Ratchet continued to glare down at his friend. “So are you going to explain your little temper tantrum? Or do I need to report this to Prime?”

“I needed to be alone.” Ironhide said quietly, his usual gruff tone sounding almost defeated in a way.

Ratchet just tilted his head at his friend looking confused and beginning to worry. “I understand that, but you cannot ignore a comm, especially not from me.” Ratchet said with less anger in his vocals.

“I really… can’t talk about Mik right now…” Ironhide said, his vocals shorting out just a bit.

Now Ratchet was worried. He knew Ironhide was carrying guilt from the rape, and that it wasn’t something that would go away quickly for the soldier, but this seemed to cut much deeper. “Hide, I wouldn’t have asked if it weren’t important. I don’t want to force you to talk, but her behavior is erratic and dangerous. She had an anxiety attack so severe I initially mistook it for heart failure.” The worry crept into the medics tone as he spoke. “I just have a few questions, thats all.”

“What do you mean? She… is she dead?” Ironhide asked, this time his vocals were clearly shorting out.

“No, no she is alive and Prime is watching over her right now. But Hide, something is very wrong with her and I need to know everything that happened, especially before the rape. You commed me saying she needed to be looked at before anything happened, what prompted that?” Ratchet asked trying not to pressure his friend, but needing the information.

“She was acting strange, different. When I told her I was there to protect her, she kept asking why. I thought it was because she somehow forgot about the threat the cons were, but the more she spoke the more I realized, she was asking why because she didn’t think we would protect her anymore. She seemed to think we just stopped caring about her. When I said the Cons would kill her she said she was ok with it it, so I commed you.” The gunner said carefully, his vocals returning to normal.

“I see… so… this isn’t all about the rape then is it?” Ratchet stated, a question meant for himself.

Ironhide remained silent for several long moments. Ratchet was patient as he waited for his friend to respond to the inquiry. Clearly there was more going on here than he realized and it was probably something he should have been made aware of long before now. It raised his ire a bit that the gunner had kept something important from him, something that could have helped him with a patient. The medic was certain that Hide had his reasons for keeping silent, but he wasn’t sure if they really outweighed the problems that they have caused. 

“No, not really. The rape only made the situation worse I think, but there was already damage there.” Ironhide finally responded. “ I just didn’t know what to do, what to say. I wasn’t sure that bringing it up on top of everything else would just make it harder. I didn’t want her to suffer any more than she already had. “ The gunner groused and growled a bit. “And you don’t have to say anything. I already know know badly I fragged up here Ratch, so you don’t need to rub it in.”

Ratchet sighed and and shook his head. It wasn’t that he was trying to rub it in, he just needed the truth. “Hide, I am not trying to make you feel worse. I just need the truth so I can help her. That is all.” The medic tried, making sure his voice was calm and not accusatory. “Is there anything else?” He asked since he got the feeling that there was, but Ironhide was just being his usual stubborn self. The loud metallic sigh was all Ratchet needed to hear to know he was right. “Ok, so what haven’t you told me?”

Again Ironhide was silent for a long time as he weighed his options. He could tell Ratchet what happened, or he could keep it secret and lie. However, that did not sit right in his spark. As much as it hurt to think about, being honest could help Mik and he needed to do whatever he could to help her. “When… when it was happening she was crying. She begged for a response, wanted to know why we hated her so much. I couldn’t respond, but when she asked if abandoning her was not enough I just couldn’t.” His vocals cut off suddenly.

Ratchet did not need to hear any more to understand. He was aware of some of Ironhides deeper issues, especially the ones he had with abandonment. That choice of words during a high stress moment would have had a significant impact on his friend. “I see.” The medic stated and paused. “This is not something that will be easily repaired, but now I at least know where to start.” Steping closer to the gunner Ratchet placed a comforting hand on the black hood. “I need to get back to her, but, we need to talk… when you are ready of course.” Ratchet stated and then pulled away. 

Transforming back into his vehicle mode he sped back to medbay. He was certain Mikaela was still out, but he wasn’t comfortable leaving her alone for this long. He also needed to decide exactly how to approach this. He had a starting point, more information, but the human was so different from their own kind, he just wasn’t certain if usual methods would even help her. But damn him to the pit if he did not at least try.


	7. Chapter 7

Ironhide sat in the field lost in thought long after Ratchet had left him. He kept his comm turned off and ignored any incoming pings as nothing was marked urgent. His processor just swirled and flowed through random thoughts, all surrounding Mikaela. Some of them good, some of them not so good. It wasn’t all darkness and despair, but the guilt that ate at him simply would not go away and the nightmares were just making it worse. Even though the gunner most likely would not need to recharge for several more days, mostly as the human cycle was much shorter than their own natural cycle, he felt an exhaustion that was strut deep.

The mech had recharge the night before, but with the memory purges getting worse it was hard to call the recharge restful. If anything he onlined feeling more tired and out of sorts than he did before laying down. Their berths were nice, and he was glad for the upgrade, but even trying to recharge in his alt form did not really help. In all actuality, he had only attempted to recharge in his alt form once since the incident and it had made things exponentially worse. It was not an experience he was eager to repeat

Time passed and Ironhide remained parked in his alt mode unmoving, appearing to be nothing more than an abandoned vehicle alone in a field. The skies grew dark and soon the stars were in view. At some point his systems had taken the lack of, well anything, and cycled the mech down into automatic recharge. Ironhide was far too lost in thought to notice the warning on his HUD before recharge took him and his systems cycled into low power mode. 

~~~~***~~~~***~~~~***~~~~

Mikaela pushed hard against the massive black form hovering above her. Ironhide watched as the human female struggled and pushed against him, trying with all her minute strength to shove him away from her. There was nothing for it though as he could not be moved. The target was in his sights and he would not relinquish his prize now. The mechs interface cables slipped out of place, having more room to move in his mech form. “Don’t struggle Mik, we both want this so stop fighting me.” The large mech growled down at the small form beneath him. 

It did not take much to hold the little human in place, though it was difficult to keep from harming her when she would not stop moving. Her clothing was somewhere in a pile off to the side and Hide’s secondary interface cables held her legs open so she could not escape. “You loved it so much before, just stop struggling Mik. I will make it feel good, make you feel better than you have ever felt before.” Ironhide rumbled in low lustful tones as his primary interface slid up between her thighs.

The female was saying something, but he couldn’t hear it and in the end it didn’t really matter. She wanted this, he knew that she wanted this and there was nothing that would stop him from having what belonged to him. The gunner grinned down at his human as one of his primary interface cables slid into her human port. The sensation of the cable being wrapped in her organic warmth made him groan loudly. The contrast felt amazing though he knew it wouldn’t last long. Each time he pushed a pleasure pulse, he knew it would not only be looped back but intensified well beyond anything he felt with his own kind. 

Groaning Ironhide slid his cable fully into place, as deep into her human port as it would go. Her struggling and squirming only made it feel better and he ignored any sounds she made, lost in his own pleasure. Finally he sent out a small pulse, just a tiny one to start, anything more than that and it would all be over far too soon. As expected the pulse was amplified and looped back. Ironhide almost lost his balance at the initial shock of pleasure that coursed through him, but recovered quickly. Soon he sent out another pulse, also small, and this one looped back. 

It did not take the mech long to find a rhythm of pulses he could send that would push him just to the edge of overload, but not quite over it. Occasionally Mikaela’s human port would flex in a random pattern that made no sense to him, but it was enjoyable to try and time his own pulses to match. However, it all became too much as he lost the will to control his pulses and just send out a powerful pleasure pulse, knowing that when it bounced back it would send him over the edge.

Ironhide was not disappointed when his powerful pulse was amplified and returned sending him into a powerful, near processor formatting overload. The sound of his roar washing out the sounds of the human females screams. 

~~~~***~~~~***~~~~***~~~~

Ironhide roared as he surged out of recharge rather suddenly and violently. His systems still glitching from the excess charge that had built up while he was in low power mode. The gunners large, powerful frame shook as his processor was still filled with images of him forcing himself onto Mikaela. The worst part of these purges, was that he enjoyed it. There was no hack, no Decepticon, he raped the human of his own free will. Ironhide could not deny the pleasure he had felt during the incident, part of why his guilt cut so deeply. He took pleasure from the rape, regardless of the circumstances he took pleasure from it. 

It ate away at him, tormenting him in his recharge with purges that were too close to the truth but still not real. The nightmares were just getting worse. Each time his treatment of the human was either more violent, or worse more dismissive. It was as if she didn’t matter, she was just a tool that he used to bring himself to overload and nothing more. In his processor she was nothing more than an interface toy that he took his own pleasure from, regardless of what it did to her. In these purges, she mattered less and less. 

The gunner wasn’t sure what to think of himself each time he woke from recharge, a purge like this fresh on his processor. He had to tell himself it wasn’t real, couldn’t be real, because he would never treat Mikaela this way. Hide believed he could never treat anyone this way, he had to believe it for his own sanity. 

Rolling back on his wheels he sat there, trying to encourage the charge that had built to dissipate. Sometimes it took a while, but eventually it would. He had not been able to connect to anyone since the incident and had not yet resorted to self servicing. Mostly due to the guilt and horror he felt from waking this way. Somehow it felt wrong to bring himself to overload after imagining forcing himself on someone. It didn’t matter that it was a memory purge he had no control over, it still wasn’t right.

Though Hide could not be sure what was worse. The nightmares where he forced himself on his friend and enjoyed it. Or the more rare occurrences where they both shared pleasure willingly. Those purges wound him up far more than he liked to admit. They always started the same, usually with Mikaela initiating contact. They also felt a little too real and Ironhide always woke up more than just aroused, but filled with a desperate sense of longing. When waking from these types of purges he always felt more frustrated and bitter. Mostly because Ironhide knew that it would never happen. Mikaela would never want to be with him in that way, and he was certain it was wrong for him to even want it himself.

She was organic, a completely different species from himself, and while he was not xenophobic the mech highly doubted any form of relationship with a human outside of platonic would be frowned upon. It was a big part of why they kept the rape secret from the rest of the team. Not just because it was a vile act, but because he had used a portion of his interface equipment on a non-cybertronian. 

Sure there were those among them that would not be horribly upset or put off by this. A few of his teammates were rather open minded. Ironhide just wasn’t sure they were open minded enough to allow that kind of relationship. Though, no one ever really brought it up and the biggest reason was Bumblebee. His affection for Sam was far beyond what some would consider platonic, but to his knowledge the young scout had never even attempted to interface with the human regardless of his feelings.

Ironhide wondered what Bee would say if he knew that it was possible, at least with human females. The gunner wasn’t so sure if it would work as well with human males, and now he was just a little bit curious. Though not nearly curious enough to think on it for very long. Right now his processor was busy trying to reconcile his latest memory purge, and it was late enough that he would be missed. 

Of course now that he had a bit of recharge, even if it was terrible, he would not need to recharge again for a while. This time he planned to stay awake for longer. Ironhide wasn’t sure he could handle another purge like that. His systems still felt tingly from the last bit of charge that had not faded. Regardless of how he felt, Ironhide refused to self service. There was nothing about this situation that made him feel as if it would ever be ok to be aroused by the things his processor tormented him with. 

Slowly the black topkick turned around and drove himself back to base, hoping the trip would help him discharge the rest of his excess energy. If nothing else he could always hit the firing range. Sure it was late, but the humans never said anything so they probably couldn’t hear the explosions. It would be the perfect way to discharge that extra energy, and if he ended up getting aroused at least he could convince himself it was because he just loved firing his cannons, and had absolutely nothing to do with his most recent purge. Or course, if he could figure out how to trick his processor so completely like that he wouldn’t need the distraction in the first place.


	8. Chapter 8

Ratchet worried and fussed over his patient. As soon as he had arrived back at the medbay he had sent Prime out without so much as a word of explanation. Thankfully their leader did not seem to mind much but Ratchet knew he would have to explain himself later. Right now though, he had more important matters to worry about and was not going to bother with anything that could wait. 

The medic ran more scans as the human remained unconscious. Slowly her vital signs had returned to what was her current normal. Though he did fear that upon waking her vitals would rise back into the dangerous levels. He had to find a way to keep her calm but was hesitant to use any method of medicating her as it bothered him greatly to even consider it. While distracted with trying to find something mild in his stock, his patient woke up.

Mikaela sat up and looked around. At first she wasn’t sure where she was and how she got there, but quickly her memory came back and she realized that somehow she was alive and in medbay. “Why.. why did you save me.. why couldn’t you just let me die!” She snapped at Ratchet, feeling the anger start building again.

The medic turned suddenly and rushed back over to the counter. His scans revealed that her vitals were indeed becoming erratic again and he wasn’t ready. Ratchet wasn’t sure if his words would make things better or worse, but at the moment they were all he had. “Please, stop saying that. I am a medic, I know you do not understand what that means really, but please stop asking to die.” His tone was calm and quiet but his spark clenched.

The human just glared at him and the medic fought the urge to recoil from it. “I.. I want to explain Mikaela, but I am not sure that you would even be willing to listen. Please just let me help you.” Ratchet asked, trying to appear friendly.

“Don’t bother, just tell the others my heart stopped and there was nothing you could do. I mean it wouldn’t be a lie right? How am I even alive?” She asked, though some of her anger was fading as exhaustion kicked in.

“Actually it was an anxiety attack that you experienced, a rather severe one if my research is correct.” The hummer stated rather factually, not realizing that he had gone back to his emotionless medic tone that he used on his more stubborn patients. “Mikaela.” He started, his tone much more gentle and friendly. “I want to help you. Truly I do. It breaks my spark to see you like this, hear you talk that way.” He shook his head and leaned closer to the girl, hoping that his expression translated in such a way that she could see his concern. “I do not have a specialization in therapy, I am better suited for fixing the physical wounds, but I do have some training in dealing with the emotional ones. Please, let me help you.” His voice lowered as he peered at the upset human.

“My medic-patient confidentiality will cover this. You have nothing to fear over me sharing anything you say with anyone. I promise that I can keep it between us, we can even talk in my office if you would be more comfortable. I know being in the open medbay might be disconcerting for you, but I can lock my office and I had soundproofing installed for just that reason.” Ratchet explained hoping to win the girl over.

“I’m not interested in your bullshit Autobot. You are being forced to pretend I actually matter, when I don’t. I don’t know why Prime even bothered to order me to be picked up. What is the point. None of you give a shit about me, I highly doubt you ever did. So why don’t you fuck off and let me die already!” Mikaela growled at the medic.

Ratchet stood there in a stunned silence as the tiny human all but shouted at him. It was clear that whatever emotional wounds she suffered, they ran quite deep. He knew their decision two years ago must have played a part in it. Between her words now, and what Ironhide had told him, on top of everything else she now had significant abandonment issues. On top of that, she did not trust him, or any of them, and because of this she refused to let him help her. 

“Mikaela.” Ratchet started. His voice was calm and kind, his eyes holding concern and sadness. “I know you will not believe me, but what you are saying is not true.” Carefully he placed his hand on the counter near her but not close enough to touch just yet. “I care about you, very much actually, and I am not the only one. I know that you will say it is a lie, but I assure you I am not lying. I can only offer to explain, but I cannot force it on you. I will not force it on you, after everything you have been through. Please, all I want to do is help you I swear.”

Mikaela just glared at the Autobot medic for several long moments. She did not believe a word of what he said, but he did offer to explain. She wondered if an explanation would even make a difference. It couldn’t change what she felt, or how she spent the last two years or more. Still would it really hurt to let him say what he needed to say? If nothing else after his explanation he could no longer force anything on her. If she did not accept the explanation then there was nothing he could do to argue with her any further. Maybe then he would accept her desire to no longer exist. “Fine, I will let you explain. If for no other reason than to just be done with this.” She decided to keep her other thoughts to herself.

Ratchet nodded and smiled at the small human moving his hands closer to her. “Will you allow me to carry you to my office?” The medic asked carefully. He knew that to do this right that she needed to feel as if she were in control. After everything that happened to her, it needed to be her that decided when and how she was touched. It was the only way she was ever going to get better. While rape was not common among their kind, at least it wasn’t before the war that he was aware of, it did still happen and from what he had observed humans had very similar reactions to those of his own kind. 

The human regarded the medic, a small expression of surprise on her face though it was clear she was trying to mask it. Not really trusting her voice she nodded and moved closer to his hand. Though she realized why he might be doing this and gave a verbal response. “yes, I am ok with being carried this time.” It was important to put a limit in her statement. She wanted to see if he would just grab her every time after this, or if he would actually listen to her request.

The medic smiled and stood up as he moved his hand slowly towards her, giving her ample opportunity to pull away if she was suddenly unsure or changed her mind. When she did not recoil he lifted her and cupped his other hand behind her for support and security. “As I stated, it would be better to handle these talks in my office.” Ratchet stated as he carried her towards the back of medbay and over to a door. As he had it programmed to recognize his EMF the door opened once he stepped up to it. 

Inside his office was slightly warmer than medbay, and seemed a bit more inviting. It was still meticulously clean with the exception of one portion of his desk where a few datapads were stacked on each other. It was possible that these were just the ones he was working on and so he had them out of place for the moment. Sitting in his chair he placed the human on his desk in a bare spot. “I apologize for the accommodations here. I had not thought about having a human in here, so I am not prepared. Is there anything I can provide to make you more comfortable?” He asked pleasantly, trying to keep the mood light to begin with.

“No, I think I am ok here. I mean if you have another one of those big cloths for me to sit on that would help, but it is not really important.” She stated. “my comfort I mean.” she added on in a more cavalier tone. 

Ratchet pulled a clean cloth from his subspace. It was one of his personal ones, so it was very soft from repeated uses, but like everything involving him it was freshly cleaned. He folded it up and placed it on the desk. “Feel free to arrange it to suit your comfort.” He added as he waited for the girl to situate herself.

Mikaela looked at the large cloth and unfolded in and smooshed it together in a shape that was slightly more round. Climbing into the cloth it was more like a nest and she found that it was far more comfortable than she imagined it would be. It was also comforting in a strange way and she felt much safer and more relaxed than she had been before. 

Scanning the human the medic noted that her vitals were stabilizing and that she seemed to relax in the cloth nest she had made for herself. He made a note in a new file he had created for these sessions that nesting brought comfort to this human. It was something he could research later, hesitant to bring it up and cause Mikaela to become uncomfortable by his observations. Ratchet also marked her previous vital scans and these ones as comparison notes. As a medic it was important for him to keep track of her physical responses as much as it was to provide her help with her emotional issues as well. 

They were both quiet for a long moment before Mikaela spoke up. “Ok, so you wanted to explain, then explain. You say you care, but I have no reason to believe you. So convince me, prove you are telling me the truth.” She challenged the medic.

Ratchet nodded and got more comfortable in his chair as he settled back. “First I wish to address the situation with a few questions. I do not wish to make assumptions. Is your indication that I do not care due to your break up with Sam two years ago?” He asked, uncertain that the question was even the right one to ask, he was certain there was a better way to have worded it.

Mikaela just sighed when Ratchet mentioned Sam. Of course everything had to go back to him, as if he was the only human on the planet that mattered and everything was measured by a degree of Sam. She shook her head. “Sam had nothing to do with it. I saw the end of that relationship coming long before it actually happened.” She commented dryly and frowned at the medic. “Not everything has to revolve around him you know, there are other people on this planet. Some of the rest of us do actually matter, or at least thought we did.” She groused as she crossed her arms across her chest.

The medic exvented in an approximation of a sigh, a bad habit he had picked up from Optimus. “That was not exactly what I meant. I was referring to the situation your breakup lead to. The decision to separate you from him?” Ratchet asked, hoping she understood what he was getting at. 

“Oh, you mean the decision to just throw me away like trash that doesn’t matter? That decision?” She snapped. 

“That was not our intent. We did not just throw you away Mikaela.” Ratchet stated gently. “It was our understanding that humans, especially young ones, need a long period of separation after they have severed their bond. It was not out of spite or anger that the decision was made, but it was thought that were were following human customs. I even spoke against it, but was informed that it was not our place to challenge your ways.”

Mikaela just huffed and looked away as he spoke, but when he mentioned that he had disagreed with the choice she looked at him incredulously. “So, you are telling me that you did not agree with the choice. See I don’t believe that because no one argued for me to stay not even you!”

Ratchet huffed air out of his vents in frustration. This was not an area he excelled in. He did not really have the right personality to be dealing with emotional and mental issues. Yet he owed it to her to try harder. “I spoke to Prime privately. I suggested we sequester you in a separate area on the base and wait for time to pass to reintegrate you both. I also suggested alternate schedules, that if adhered to, would prevent both you and Sam from running into each other. However, humans do not posses the internal mechanisms we do and are unfortunately more random and less likely to stick to routines.” He commented. “I knew it was not our best option to send you away, but there was concern that if we did not follow your cultures protocols we would be seen as hostile. So we separated you both and put a guard detail on your location.” He finished.

For a human Mikaela was not exactly gullible and if she had been she would have been more likely to buy what he was saying. However, there was also a grain of truth to his words. They were aliens, the Autobots were simply aliens. No matter how friendly they were or how much she had cared for them, still cared for them actually, they were not of this world. She could no more expect to be beholden to their cultural norms than they could be expected to be beholden to her own. So while his words had a bit of logic to them, there was still some glaring oversights. “Why didn’t anyone just ask?”

 

Ratchet was quiet for several long moments. He just studied the girl as if trying to see through her, in reality he was simply stunned. Shocked really, that something so simple might have been missed. Had anyone asked a human, preferably a neutral human, what standard protocol for these kinds of situations were. Or even asked for clarifications and alternatives to dealing with it. He was certain that someone had to have gotten clarification or confirmation of some sort. If they had not then this was indeed their fault. Not of any malicious sort, but one of ignorance and among their kind that was just as bad. 

“Mikaela, I…” The medic paused again. Now he was at a complete loss of words. Had they disregarded something so simple as to even ask for the truth. Had they made assumptions on a culture they only thought they understood. Now he was becoming distraught that they had caused this ally, and she was an ally a sister in battle, so much pain over an assumption. It made his tanks churn at the idea of such a simple mistake being made costing someone their life, because in this situation it could. Humans did not have the same coping mechanisms that his kind had, nor could they always recover from emotional trauma. 

Sad blue optics gazed down at the small human form curled up in a cleaning rag on the desk. “Mikaela…” The medic's voice was so soft and gently. “I cannot even begin to find the words to express the depth of my sorrow, nor how deeply apologetic I am.” He wasn’t sure that his expression would translate well, so he chose his words carefully. “I do care, we all care, and I will do everything in my power to help you through this if you will allow me. I do not dare even begin to ask for forgiveness, none of us should.” He shook his head uncertain if he could even continue. He was appalled at himself, his leader, everyone. That such a simple thing as asking for confirmation or help was overlooked.


	9. Chapter 9

There was a long, drawn out, and uncomfortable silence that filled the office of the chief medical officer of the Autobots. Ratchet sat alone with his patient, who was comfortably seated in a small nest made out of one of his cleansing cloths and perched on top of his desk. Both cybertronian and human regarded the other silently. Each clearly had thoughts swirling around in their minds and each appeared to be lost in thought. It was obvious that both the human and the medic wanted to speak, but could not find the words. Finally a voice broke the silence.

“I can’t hate you.” Mikaela started. “I wanted to, but I can’t. Maybe that is why it hurt so much. Why it affected me like this. I saw all of you as family, I thought I mattered, I thought I was important to you. Then I was pushed away, treated like I didn’t matter, treated like I was just some unfortunate side effect of having Sam as your human contact.” She huffed as she fought back tears. “That, all of you just saw me as some joke and now that he didn’t want me anymore you didn’t have to pretend to like me anymore.” Her breath caught as the tears began to flow. “All I wanted was to matter, and all of you made me believe that i did.” the girl choked back a sob finding it harder to talk now. “then you ripped it away.” she finished in a whisper unable to go on.

Ratchet watched as the human girl broke down and sobbed. It was so dissimilar to how his own kind cried, at least on the physical side, but there were also remarkable similarities as well. Even though she could not project her emotional state with an electromagnetic field the way his kind did, her pain was clearly evident in the sounds she made. The way her voice broke. It did not matter that they were entirely different species from completely separate worlds. Her pain was as clear to read as one of his own, and he was desperate to comfort her. 

There was nothing he could really do though. She was not cybertronian, so he doubted that she could even feel his field even if he tried to push calm/caring/love/comfort towards her the way he would a member of his own race. It bothered Ratchet on a spark deep level that he was ill equipped to comfort a patient. It was one of the most important (things) a medic learned. Healing wounds was only a small part of what a medic actually did, bringing comfort was a much larger part. How could he comfort a creature so small and so different from himself? Ratchet was at a loss and it was frustrating and upsetting. 

He was also worried that his continued silence would only make things worse, but he also had no idea what to say. There was no way to just use words to make her pain go away. Excuses were just that, excuses. They did not validate the situation and they certainly could not remove her suffering. His optics spiraled in and out of focus as he desperately tried to find a way to comfort his patient and kept coming up with nothing. Even a quick search of the internet yielded little in the way of useful results.

“You tell me to come in here and talk and then you ignore me and surf the internet? Fucking hell Ratchet!” Mikaela yelled and sobbed louder. “Why are you such a dickbag?” she snapped and cried harder. “Just.. you know what, forget it. Clearly you don’t actually care and this is just a waste of time. Fucking I am just done with you, with all of you.” She struggled to push herself up out of the cloth so she could just leave or throw herself off the desk.

Ratchet was startled when she began to yell at him again and insult him with human slang. He was confused for a moment before he realized that she must have been able to tell when he accessed the internet, possibly from the way his optics looked. He felt guilty and put a hand up to block her from getting up from her spot. “You misunderstand Mikaela. There is still much about humans that I, as a medic, do not understand. I was searching for the appropriate method to comfort you as the method I would use for one of my own kind would be ineffectual for you.” He looked at her with pleading optics. “I assure you I was listening. Due to the structure of our processor we are actually capable of focusing on multiple tasks at once. Even though I was searching for information I was processing everything you were saying as well.” The medic did not feel the need to inform her of the various other tasks his processor was occupied with as well.

“So, you can listen and do other stuff and still pay full attention to both?” She asked, not sure she believed him at all. “That doesn’t seem possible, but then I guess it is probably true. I mean my computer can do several things at once, all of them different, and it doesn’t seem to glitch. You aren’t a computer though, not really.” She said and tilted her head at him.

“No not exactly, but that is a close approximation. Our processors do function rather similarly to a computer, only we are far more advanced and can process at significantly higher rates.” Ratchet informed the girl, but felt they were getting off track. “Again, I am sorry. You were so distraught and I felt lost for what to do. If you were cybertronian I would simply extend my field and push comfort towards you, but humans do not use electromagnetic fields to communicate and seem to be unaffected by them for the most part.” He paused for a moment. “Though some humans seem to be more sensitive to EMF than others, it is still not a reliable way to communicate with your species.” He added and again felt like he was getting off track.

Ratchet looked at the girl kindly. “Humans seem to offer comfort through physical contact. This is not really an option for several reasons. The first being our difference in size. I am uncertain that I could properly hug you to offer comfort, and second you have been through a traumatic event that makes physical contact difficult.” He relaxed back a bit so he wasn’t crowding her, the medic did not want her to feel pinned in. “The last thing I want is to force physical contact on you, so I am at a loss for how else to bring you comfort while you are distressed.” He frowned a bit and wished that there was someone more qualified to help him with this. “I just, I never really studied this aspect of things so I am afraid that I lack the precise training to deal with emotional trauma.”

It was an explanation of a truth, but it felt more like an excuse. “Our kind does have medics that are trained to function in a manner similar to your psychologist. However, not all medics take that training. The basics of course are necessary, but anything beyond that is reserved for those that go into that field. As it stands I am uncertain if anyone with that training has survived the war, and if they did they are not here. All I can ask is that you be patient with me as I try to help you.” He stated with pleading optics. “I know it is a lot to ask of you Mikaela. I want to do everything I can to help you. This may require me to go to other sources on occasion just so that I can find options that will translate for humans.”

The girl nodded. “I am sorry I got so upset, I just.” She sighed and hugged herself. “It is hard not to think the worst right away. I feel so raw still.” She admitted as she dried her face. Mikaela knew she would start crying again soon, but for now the flood of tears had stopped for a bit. “I don’t know how long it will be before I can trust you, if ever, but.. I will try to be more understanding of your limitations and our differences.” She stated quietly, her voice trailing towards the end. 

In a way Mikaela was happy that Ratchet was talking to her, trying to help her through this. Another part of her was still wary and expected to just be abandoned all over again. It hurt to think about it, but it felt good to be close to them. It was something she hated, she did not want to be reliant on them for happiness. Mikaela knew she was stronger than that, but it seemed that maybe a part of her wasn't, at least not yet. 

“If you would like to continue I am still here to listen. Is there something you would prefer I try to do when you become distraught? If physical contact is ok I can cup my hand around you, or move you closer?” Rachet asked hoping that if she made a suggestion it would help them at least have a basis for them to start from. Maybe she could allow physical contact just for these meetings, or maybe another option will have to be found. Either way the medic refused to give up on her. He was not going to let cultural differences impede his ability to help her.

Mikaela shook her head and continued to hug herself. “No I am ok for now. I understand wanting to comfort me, but right now what I need is for you to listen. It doesn’t matter if what I say is accurate it is just how I feel. I just need you to keep your promise and listen to me.” She tried to smile, to show him that she wasn’t angry but the smile was clearly forced.

“Alright, I will listen and try not to get too worked up when you become upset again.” The medic stated as he pulled his chair closer to the desk and tried to take a more relaxed position, even though he still felt rather tense. “In your own time of course, take as long as you need.” He added as he checked the file he had open and recorded more data to it.

With a sigh Mikaela snuggled back into the cloth pulling a little of it closer around her finding comfort in the warmth and softness. “I understand that maybe mistakes were made, but why two years? Why was I just thrown away and abandoned like I didn’t matter for so long?” She asked mostly to herself. “I am not sure that I will ever trust you again. I want to, and I hate myself for it because I know the moment I start trusting you I will just be tossed aside like I don’t matter all over again.” She sniffled and looked sadly up at the Autobot medic. “And there is nothing you can say or do that will make me believe different.” She added with a sad shrug. “What I need is time in a loving environment, time to heal, but I don’t see that happening. Everyone avoids me like I have some kind of space plague. No one wants to talk to me or come near me.” She sobbed again. “How am I supposed to heal if everyone avoids me and treats me like I don’t exist.” The tears flowed freely as she spoke. “I honestly do not know what is worse, being abandoned or being ignored.” She sobbed into the cloth closest to her face. 

Ratchet watched as the young female fell apart all over again. It was just appalling that they were even in this situation to begin with and all he wanted to do was find a way out of it. This time he did not search for an answer, he just moved closer and pushed his field towards her. It did not matter that it was ineffective, it was all he could do. Even if she could not pick up on any of it, he still pushed caring/comfort/love/healing to the tiny human. He would stay there all night if he had to and he would find a way to help her heal.


	10. Chapter 10

Days had passed and Ironhide had not bothered recharging. He had continued to avoid everyone that he could and stayed as far away from medbay and the human barracks as possible. Apparently Mikaela had taken to spending time with Ratchet but he wasn’t sure why. Of course his mind went to every place that was awful while he considered what reasons she would have to spend that much time in medbay. 

Of course he was worried beyond all belief, but there wasn’t anyone he could speak to about it. The only one that knew the full truth of the situation was Ratchet, and clearly the medic already had too much on his processor as it was. Plus, with the distraction no one was forcing him into recharge. This was both good and bad. It was great because he did not have to deal with the memory purges, but bad because it was affecting his abilities as a soldier. 

The last few rounds of practice in the firing range showed just abysmal numbers. Ironhide was not hitting his targets as often, nor as accurately as he had been just a day before. While his race could survive on quick defrags, after a while recharge was necessary. Beyond that there was a point they would reach where their own bodies would simply force them into it out of necessity. Hide realized that he was getting close to that point, and the last thing he wanted was for his systems to drop him into forced recharge in the middle of the firing range. 

With a heavy spark Ironhide flexed his wrist as his cannons disappeared back under his armor. He wasn’t ready to leave but the choice was being taken from him. With a heavy cadence he trudged to his sleeping quarters, not acknowledging any mechs he passed along the way. It was nice of the humans to give them more space and they had managed to put together their own mess hall, sleeping quarters, offices, medbay, and rec room with what little they had been provided. Since their numbers were so few, everyone had their own quarters. The officers had larger quarters than the rest, and of course Prime had the largest room out of all of them. Both due to his rank, but more due to his size.

With a heavy exvhent Ironhide pushed himself over to his berth and sat down. Unfortunately he sat down far harder than he had intended and it shook his frame in an uncomfortable way. Groaning the gunner leaned back and situated himself so he was on his back staring up at the ceiling. Sometimes it was hard for him to find a comfortable position to recharge in, but at this point his frame did not seem to care. Already his HUD showed non critical systems shutting down into low power mode. 

For a while the gunner amused himself by connecting to the internet and browsing. If he allowed his non-critical systems to shut down, perhaps he could delay recharge that much longer. Of course there was really only so much of the internet a being could browse before they grew tired of it, but Ironhide was not at that point. He had taken a cue from Bumblebee and found a wide variety of sites that he could easily entertain himself on for quite a long time. One of the sites allowed him to earn earth currency for a rather simple game. Of course Optimus had forbidden them from using their abilities to outright steal from the humans, but this did not really seem to fall under that situation. It was technically a game of chance, he just happened to have a processor that allowed for him to win far more consistently than a human would. 

To keep the sites from figuring out that he almost could not lose, he deliberately threw a few games just to make it look more legitimate. He also did not stay on any one site for too long. Each small amount was put aside and sent to a bank account that only he had access to. 

There was also danger in browsing the internet. Some of the sites Bee had shared with him he probably would not have looked at before, now he had to fight the urge. Once Hide had allowed himself to go to one of the sites and pulled up a video of a female human that was pleasuring herself with a rather large device. Despite wanting to turn away, Ironhide was both aroused by the sight and amazed at the female's ability to take something that large into her. His own interface cable had barely fit within Mikaela, so he was uncertain what made it possible for this other human to fit something much larger. It was not a question he felt comfortable asking, so that along with the arousal he felt kept him from ever mentioning it to anyone. It also kept him from going back to those sites, regardless of how tempted he had become by them. 

If he was being honest, Ironhide wanted to explore the possibility of sharing pleasure with humans again. However, the one human he was interested in exploring this with, was the one human he could never be close to again. It was upsetting on a multitude of levels and it caused him no end of frustration. With a huff he ignored the warning in his HUD for a few moments longer as he browsed to another site, again trying to resist the urge to look at the ones he wanted to look at most. Of course in ignoring the warnings that shutdown was imminent, Ironhide slipped into recharge yet again without his express consent. 

~~~~***~~~~***~~~~***~~~~~  
Ironhide smiled down at the human curled up on his chassis. She felt warm against his plating and he made sure to keep himself at a temperature that would keep her comfortable. The gunner always loved the feel of the small human cuddling close to him. Sometimes they would just stay like that, quietly, just soaking up each others company and comfort. Other times he could not resist the urge to do more, to share pleasure with her. 

Yes it had been a tragedy that occurred between them which clued him into the fact that his species and hers, though vastly different, could safely share pleasure with one another. Not only was it safe, but it was intense and fulfilling. There had been some concern in the beginning when they had first tried after she had healed, both worried that it would feel as though something were missing from the experience. Thankfully it had turned out not to be true. While the mechs interface cable could not lock into Mikaela's human port, nor could she translate his data bursts, they were still able to feel a connection when they interfaced.

Mikaela smiled up at Ironhide from her place on his chest. She was content to just relax here for a while and allow him to stroke her back like a pet cat. At first the action bothered her, but she understood he did not mean for it to come off as rude. Plus it felt really good and she enjoyed everything else they had done, so she allowed him this. For some reason though it seemed to relax her, it also seemed to comfort him. It was one of those questions she never asked for fear of ruining the mood. 

"How are you feelin tonight Mik?" Hide asked his special little human. He wanted more tonight, but he always let her make the first move. After their first time, it was something he insisted on if they were to continue their relationship. Though relationship was not really the word for what they had. There was an emotional and mental connection along with the pleasure, but he wasn't certain that either of their species really had a word for what they were to each other.

"I am feeling nicely relaxed, and quite limber." The human winked at her mech friend. Sometimes it was more fun to tease him than to give in right away. She knew how good it would feel if they could both resist the urge to just jump into it. Of course that teasing worked both ways, and more often than not she ended up working herself up just as much as she did Hide. Still it was fun to see him squirm and fight the urge to instigate their pleasure sharing. She knew that he always wanted her to start it, and it made sense, but sometimes she wanted him to ravish her though she never knew how to ask and figured it was best if she didn't. After the incident that Soundwave caused, Ironhide was peculiar when she brought up anything from that day or anything relating to rough sex. 

"Oh really? Feeling limber?" Ironhide asked, trying to look innocent, but he could feel the desire building slowly in him. "That from yer uh, what's it called, oh right yoga stuff?" He asked, pretending not to know what she could mean and also pretending that he had not just finished watching her move delightful little organic body in ways that he wasn't sure anyone of his kind could really replicate. His own species was flexible in a completely different way, but there was something about the way she moved that lit a fire inside of him, one that could only be quenched by a powerful overload shared only with her. 

 

Mikaela winked at Ironhide and settled herself more on his chassis, pressing her body against his chest plates soaking in the warmth she felt coming from him. She could feel more than hear the thrum of his spark spinning in its chamber. Their pleasure sharing had been strictly physical. Neither of them were sure what would happen if she got too close to the mech's spark, so it was something they never tried. However, she was curious and she knew Hide had to be as well. It was also fun to just tease him by touching or rubbing herself against his chest, knowing he could feel it. 

“I suppose I am feeling a bit limber.” She teased and pressed her small body even closer, her thin layer of clothing the only thing between them. “and yes, I was doing yoga before. and here I thought you were watching me, you must have had your attention elsewhere on something more important.” Mik put on a pout face as she joked with Ironhide.

The mech scoffed making a strange noise by clipping his venting in a short puff. “As if I could pay attention to anything else when you are bending like that in those coverings you wear.” Hide did not mind joking and teasing, but there was only so much he would cooperate with when he was aroused. Right now he wanted the human naked and squirming, but since she had not given the go ahead he stayed patient and frustrated as his interface cables pinged their readiness for release.

Mikaela could tell that Ironhide was in a bit of a mood so she pulled back on the teasing and looked at him. “What’s up Hide?” She came off as worried to the bot but smiled at the reassuring look she was given.

“Just… want you..” Ironhide admitted. It was a breach of protocol for him to even say something like that before she had given her signal of interest. Though he figured the teasing could probably count as interest, it still wasn’t a yes. “Sorry, I know I said I would let you be in charge. I didn’t mean to pressure you Mik.” Hide said gently but was surprised as the human leaned down and slowly licked the seam where his plates met right over his spark. His optic spiraled to pinpoints as he focused on her. “Please tell me that is a yes.” Hid almost begged his vocals quiet.

“Yes. Always yes.” Mikaela responded as she pulled her yoga pants and sports bra off. She had taken to wearing no panties, finding them confining and uncomfortable. Once nude she moved back to her spot laying on the large black mech. “want you too..” She whispered as she kissed and licked at his plating.

Ironhide groaned loudly at the stimulation. The sight of her human body bared to him was no longer a curiosity. It was not the same as being with his own kind and somehow that made it better. It took just a quick moment for the human to be situated back on her spot and he could not resist stroking a large finger down her back. This time it smoothed over her hind end and slipped between her thighs. He liked watching how much she enjoyed his touch, though nothing felt as good as when his cable was inside of her. The gunner was growing impatient but he knew that he needed to ready the human before any further activities could occur.

The feel of her warm body, her slickness on his finger, it drove him to distraction. His interface cables had already slipped out of their housing. One was sliding along her thigh while the smaller ones were squeezing along the sides of her breasts gently. The mech kept a close watch on his human companion, wanting to be certain that she was ok before proceeding. The pleasure in her eyes told him what he needed to know, but he waited for her to nod as his primary interface cable slide across her human port. 

Ironhide knew what it was called, but he enjoyed thinking of it in terms of his own kind. It wasn’t that the words or imagery bothered him, it just made him feel more connected to her. When Mik finally nodded at him Hide could barely contain the urge to just plug right in. Though his cord could not truly connect to her, it still followed the same principals.

Teasing her just a bit longer with the tip of the cable ironhide finally pushed it into her port. The sudden warmth and strange wetness were the first sensations to strike his processor. All non essential threads were paused as he took in the wonderful and completely unique sensation that was interfacing with his human. Ironhide was hyper focused on the act and reserved a portion of his processor space to focus purely on the physical, chemical, and electrical sensations he was experiencing. Another, much larger, portion of his processor was focused on the human herself. After their first time, Ironhide wanted to be as connected to her as possible.

Since they could not share sparks or pass data, focusing entirely on her and her reactions was the closest he could get to mimicking typical interface. He would love nothing more than to be able to feel what she was feeling, or sense her thoughts and emotions, but so far that was just not possible. Instead he ran constant scans of her body and ran algorithms trying to decode her reactions. 

Ironhide was loud during interface, and sharing pleasure with a human instead of his own kind did not change that. He also enjoyed the noises mikaela made and was surprised at how loud she could become. Even though only seconds had passed since his cable pressed into her, it felt much longer. They both enjoyed resting and just feeling the initial penetration. He wondered if it was as strange to her as it was to him. Clearly she enjoyed it, otherwise she would not seek him out so often. Yet there was no doubt it had to feel unusual to her, just obviously not unpleasant.

Smiling down at his companion Ironhide sent out a small pleasure pulse and braced himself. The reaction in the human was instant, and while it did not send her into overload it certainly came close. For him it wasn’t enough to overload him, but it was still intense. Far more intense than anything he could replicate alone. After a pause he sent another pulse, then another, groaning loudly as her port spasmed around his cable signalling her first overload. Typically he would overload his human several times before reaching his own release, but he wasn’t certain he would be able to go as long tonight. Something had him riled up and he wasn’t sure what.

Again Ironhide sent a pleasure pulse, this one much stronger than the previous ones. The loop back was intense enough to overcharge him to the edge of overload but not tip him over into it. The feel of the human’s body writhing against his chest plates was increasing his charge and pushing him that much closer to overload. Just the thought of how good she felt there, and the unconscious desire to feel more caused his plates to unlock with a click. Startled Ironhide lifted Mikaela from his chest as his plates opened. Thankfully his spark chamber stayed closed. 

The human was clearly lost in pleasure as she did not notice being moved at first. Once her eyes met his optics she knew something was different. Peering over his hand she could see the chest plates opened revealing silver beneath. She wanted to ask but found it hard to do anything but moan.   
Ironhide spoke. “Sorry Mik, got too excited and my protocols released my plates.” He tried to play it off as if it weren’t a big deal. Essentially though, some part of his processor, his spark, wanted to merge with the tiny human in his hands. It was a form of interface shared only between those that cared deeply for one another. A mech never spark merged during casual interface, and the fact that he desired that connection with the human both worried and surprised him. It was only worrisome because it meant he was far more attached to her than he first realized and their interfacing maybe wasn’t as casual for him as he had intended it to remain.

“It’s ok Hide, i mean, if you want we can try that. I just don’t know what will happen.” Mik stated, calmed down now that his cable had paused in pleasuring her. She missed the sensation, but this was something new and she was interested.

The mech smirked at her gently. “Not sure there is anyone I can really ask. If I comm Ratch about this he might tell us not to interface any more. I don’t want that, and I know you don’t want it either. I also don’t want to hurt you if my spark energy is dangerous to humans.”

The words were wise, but Hides control was weakening. It was possible that his spark energy would have no affect on her at all, but it was not a risk he was willing to take, at least not yet. “Don’t worry Mik. You can rest on my spark chamber, that should be safe.” Hide stated as he lowered the human and let her bare body touch the metal of his protoform. His spark chamber remained closed, but his spark lurched forward at the contact of her body to the metal. Hide groaned loudly at the contact and the sensation of his spark lurching forward. 

His interface cable pressed harder into her port and sent out a pleasure pulse that sent her into another overload and tripped ironhide into his first of the evening. It was more intense than he thought it would be and his spark spun hot and tight in its chamber, pulsing in time with the throbbing pulse of the human’s body. Ironhide looked down at Mikaela, his optics bright as emotion fought to break free. This was the closest he could get to a true connection with her. His spark throbbing in time with her pulse. Hide had never felt more connected to Mikaela than in this moment and wished he knew how to tell her.

Ironhide groaned as his human got a sneaky expression and began moving her body against his. It stimulated his primary cable, as well as his secondaries. It also felt good against his protoform, something he wasn’t expecting. Cupping his hand behind her his large fingers stroked over her body. “Oh Mik, you feel so amazing, just want to overload with you forever.” The black mech moaned and tried to resist the urge to just take the human and interface her until his processor blanked out.

Growling Ironhide pressed his primary cable harder into the human, watching her back arch as she cried out loudly. His cable moved inside of her in ways that he knew brought her intense pleasure. It felt nice to him as well, but it wasn’t stimulating him the way it did her. It was more her pleasure that he enjoyed. Once he started sending out pulses, then he began to feel pleasure. This time the pulses were rapid and powerful, pushing the human to overload quickly. It helped to build his own charge as he then sent out slow pulses increasing the intensity slowly over time until he was hovering right at the edge of overload. “Oh Mik, need you, want you so much.” Hid moaned his body wanting to move, but he locked his joints for her own safety. Her precarious position made injury possible, and he knew if he let go of control completely he might harm her.

“Just wanna frag you so hard.” He snarled, hoping she did not take it the wrong way or grow upset or fearful. His cable wiggled and pulsed inside of her as his spark spun and throbbed. Groaning loudly Ironhide gave in to his desires and sent out pleasure pulses that matched the rhythm of his spark throbbing, which in turn matched Mikaela's pulse. The sensation of being completely in synch with the human and their shared pleasure sent Ironhide over the edge hard. A powerful overload ripping through him causing him to roar. He only had moments to move Mik off his chassis before he succumbed to the reboot sequence that followed an intense overload.  
~~~~***~~~~***~~~~***~~~~~  
Ironhide onlined his optics, his spark pulsing almost painfully as he looked around his quarters. It had been a dream, just another dream. Tormenting him with promises of something he could never have. Pressing a hand to his chest plates Ironhide groaned quietly. There were times that these beautiful lies his processor told him, we far more painful than the hellish truths he lived with in his waking moments. It was times like these where he almost preferred the other nightmares. Somehow it hurt less to hate himself as a monster, than to deal with the emotions these dreams brought on. 

Hide could explain away the nightmares where he hurt Mik, his own guilt eating at him daily. These purges he could not explain. Their only purpose seemed to be to torment him. Maybe his processor was punishing him, or maybe there was a deeper emotion he did not want to face. Either way onlineing like this was becoming painful and it needed to stop.


	11. Chapter 11

Mikaela was improving slowly, but Ratchet never seemed to be bothered by her lack of progress. Many times for every move forward she made, something set her back and undid her most of the progress she had gained. It was frustrating, but the medic was a wall of seemingly infinite patience. Maybe it was just a show to help her, or maybe because his kind was so long lived it was easy for him to be patient with her. Whatever the cause, she was grateful for it and had to let him know. 

As usual she was finding more reasons to hang around in the medbay than anywhere else on base. Currently she was polishing some of the smaller bits that attached to one of his medical tools. It was similar to a screwdriver set in some ways, but some of the bits had such odd shapes. For her they were of a decent size, as big or bigger than an actual screwdriver. In the medic's hands, however, they appeared so tiny. 

It was actually her idea that she help him in the first place. She had seen his frustration when cleaning some of his tools and simply offered to help. At first he was resistant, but once it had been pointed out that in her hands she could get to places his couldn’t while cleaning, he relented. Now it was common place for him to pile smaller pieces of equipment in an area he designated just for her. Mikaela wondered why he never made a point of telling her which to do first, he seemed happy to just let her pick and choose what items she cleaned and polished.

“Hey Ratchet?” Mikaela called quietly, hoping she wasn’t interrupting his concentration. She waited for him to acknowledge her. She had not expected for him to walk over and study her with, what she could now determine, was clear concern in his bright blue optics.

“Are you well?” Ratchet asked worried about his patient. She had been so quiet he almost forgot she was there. 

“Yeah, I am fine, I just wanted to ask you something.” Mik said trying to seem more happy than she actually felt, something she had found out early on irked the grouchy bot.

“You may ask me anything Mikaela, I am always happy to answer any questions you may have.” Ratchet replied and leaned closer, remembering to indicate an outward focus of his attention on her. 

“Why don’t you ever tell me what to do? You just pile stuff here, and I know I am supposed to clean it but there is no organization or structure. I have no idea if I am even doing this right, but you never seem to complain about it. So I guess that I haven’t messed up yet.” She just shrugged.

Ratchet paused looking a bit surprised. “Well, because it is not a requirement. I will assist you even if you do not assist me. I did not want you to think that your services were required as some form of payment for my services rendered in helping you.” The medic paused, uncertain if he had even answered the right question.

Mikaela chuckled and shook her head. “I know that. I get that I don’t have to do this, but I just wanted to know why you don’t seem to really care about it.” She knew those words might cause an argument. Every time she accused him of not caring, it seemed to make him think she meant about her instead about whatever she was specifically speaking of.

“I care, I told you I care Mikaela.” Rachet started but was interrupted.

“I know you care about me. I am trying hard to remember that and believe it, and I know somewhere inside I do feel like you care. I must or I would not be getting better. I meant that it seems you do not care what I do over here in regards to cleaning your equipment. I just want to make sure I am doing it right.”

“Oh, well, of course you are and thank you.” Now he was fidgeting and uncertain of how to breach the subject. “Since, you brought it up, I just didn’t want to pressure you.” He stood up straight and looked down at her. “I was worried if I ordered you to prioritize or created too much structure then it would negate our process. I did not want you to become more upset.” He was floundering now, uncertain if this would set her progress back yet again.   
“I can handle a little criticism Ratchet. That was never the problem. If you need this done a certain way, then I need to know. How am I going to learn to be a good assistant if you don’t teach me?” Mik asked looking up at him, her blue eyes meeting his optics. 

Ratchet paused at the human's words. He had not openly told her she was his assistant. She wasn’t really even qualified, but then it wasn’t as if there was an academy for her to go to. Also she was assisting him pretty regularly now that she was getting better, didn’t that make her an assistant? Ratchet tapped his face lightly and looked away as he thought, then back at the girl. “You are right, I was thinking about this all wrong.” He admitted.

Mikaela looked up at him curiously. “What do you mean?” She asked, wondering what he could have taken wrong. Or maybe it was her that had taken something wrong. Perhaps he was just giving her busy work to keep her out of his way. Her smile faltered quickly and sadness took over again.

The medic could see the change in the girl's demeanor and knew he had said something she misinterpreted, or something else was bothering her. “Mikaela, are you ok?” He asked very gently, trying not to upset her any further.

“Yeah just, I guess I was wrong again. This is just busy work right. It never occurred to you to see me as an assistant so you didn’t push for me to really do anything.” She stated rather plainly but there was an empty hollowness to her voice as she spoke.

Ratchet realized this time it was a poor choice of wording on his part that was the problem. “That was not what I really meant though. It didn’t occur to me, because I am still thinking of things as they used to be. You aren’t academy trained, but then there is no academy and you aren’t even cybertronian. I have had you assisting me here in the medbay, so that makes you my assistant. Is there something formal that needs to happen to make this official?” Ratchet asked after explaining.

Mikaela brightened. “You really want me as your assistant?” She asked, the excitement building in her voice. It was something that happened often in her dreams. It wasn’t always the same thing, but she typically found a place amongst them helping out in some fashion. Most of the time she assisted everyone and was not tied to a specific bot. “I suppose it depends on how official you want to make this. I mean if it is just a title then we don’t have to do anything, but if you are going to compensate me the way humans do then I am not really certain. I don’t know if there is an official way to do this.” She just shrugged but was still smiling.

“I will speak to Optimus and look into it. For now you are still technically in training so the position shall be title only. As such if you are genuinely interested in doing this there are some ground rules we will need to discuss and I will have expectations that need to be met. So the question is, how much do you want to assist in?” The medics optics were bright as he regarded the human.

She was clearly excited and scooted a bit closer. “I want to learn whatever you want to teach me. I mean if I could learn to help repair you guys that would be great, but if the most I can do is just help you keep your work area organized that is ok too. I understand that learning how to help do repair work might be beyond what you can teach me. I see no shame in keeping this place neat and organized, at least what I am able to lift anyway.” Mik laughed a bit, a rare sound for her these days.

The medic nodded and began sorting the bits into piles. “These ones in this group are critical. If something happens I need them clean so I can use them quickly. These are the ones I have the fewest spares for.” He pointed to the next group. “These next, and so on down the line. I will get some bins for you, that way we can both stay organized. Just let me know how you want it handled. As long as the critical pile is handled first and quickly there should be no problems. Let me know if I am overworking you.” Ratchet stated and then added. “You are still recovering, not just mentally and emotionally but physically as well. Being overworked is a genuine concern. If you feel I have put too much pressure on you, I need to know.” Ratchet looked at her. “Promise you will tell me If I am too harsh.”

Smiling Mik nodded at Ratchet. “I will keep it in mind, and I will try to remember that I should not have to impress you to stay your assistant. I want to work hard for you, but not so much I burn myself out.” She wanted to say more. Mostly that she wanted to matter, but was afraid to say it outloud. Saying it out loud made it real, and it meant she could be told she didn’t matter. “I hope that I prove to be useful.” She added and shrugged

Ratchet huffed a short laugh. “You already are, and you are more than just useful. I enjoy having you here. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to clean all those tiny pieces, how long it takes me. Even without direction you have successfully cleaned more bits in a day than I am able to, simply because you are smaller and can get into the tiny places much easier. Sure I could soak them in a solution, but that doesn’t get them nearly as clean and the harsher the solution the more likely they will become brittle and break after a while. Back on cybertron it was not a problem, I could get new supplies easily. here, I have to build everything I need from scratch and the materials I have to work with are grossly insufficient.” Ratchet was just rambling and did not even realize it.

The girl just smiled at the medic as he semi-ranted over the state of his tools and the problems he had with replacing anything. It was true, the only thing she ever heard him complain about was never having enough materials to build everything they needed. It never really occurred to her how serious that could be for them. If he could not build spare parts, the bots would remain injured. It was the same as waiting for an organ donation, if one never came or didn’t come in time the patient would die. That thought sobered her up quickly. “I promise I will do my best to not only keep everything clean and well maintained, but I will be very careful not to break anything.”

“You do not need to worry much about that. I doubt you are strong enough to break those yourself. However, I appreciate your genuine concern and respect for my equipment. You will make a fine assistant.” Rachel nodded and his optics brightened. “If you are truly interested in learning to help repair mechs. I can load some material onto a datapad for you. I should still have some of my old medical texts saved somewhere. I just cannot bring myself to delete them, I never knew if I would need them again, but they are a piece of home.” The medic stated, sadness creeping into his vocals.

Mikaela nodded. “Thank you for giving me a chance ratchet, and for helping me. You didn’t have to, but you did. I know that a lot of what is wrong is my own perception, but it still means a lot to me that you want to help me. It makes me feel as if you really care.” She scooted a bit closer to Ratchets hand, but did not make physical contact. She wasn’t sure it was even appropriate for her to do so.

Ratchet watched his patient carefully and smiled, his optics bright with joy at her improvement. She had come farther than he expected in a short time. The fact she could admit that she felt he cared was big. He still needed to find a way to mend the rift between her and Ironhide. It was clear that the gunner was still struggling with what had happened between them. For now his focus had to be on healing Mikaela. The only way that would be required to change is if Ironhide worsened or his health began to decline drastically. Ratchet was worried that it probably already had. A mech could only go so long without recharge, and Ironhide kept pushing himself until his auto shutdown engaged. That behavior was dangerous for their kind. However, for now the topkick had not shown any signs of damage so Ratchet would just wait and see.

**Author's Note:**

> This is terribly unfinished and raw but I am still working on it and might finish it if there is any interest at all.


End file.
